sometimes she feels like dying, she gets so sick of crying…

August 29, 2005 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized)

oh, depression. you forget to take one stupid pill at night and you pay for it in spades the next day. according to my messed up brain today, everyone is giving me weird looks, so i must have done something wrong; my advisor thinks i’m a total idiot (which may actually be true) so i might as well just drop out of grad school now. but hey, why stop at just dropping out? i might as well just go ahead and jump off the roof. that way my last memory will be the thrill of flying through the air. i don’t want my life to pass before my eyes- what do i have to show? nothin’ but regret, according to my brain.

and why, why does it seem like there are no good people out there? everything seems to be motivated by sex. now, i’m a reproductive/stress biologist, so i understand the primal, genetic need to spread those genes as much as possible, plus i know it’s fun to do so, but it seriously bugs me when i hear about someone being supremely nice to someone else, but their motivation is simply “hey, i could get sex out of this if i’m nice!”. i’m not a goody-two-shoes prude, but i naively believed that people did good things just to be good people- that’s what i do, so do i come off looking like a chump just because i held a door open for a guy in a wheelchair, or ran after some lady who left her purse on the bus? hmm. is this why my advisor thinks i’m an idiot? because i’m a girl in a lab full of boys, so there must be something inferior about me? or does he just think i’m a lazy idiot? i’ll admit to being lazy, but i’m not an idiot.

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primer design sucks

August 26, 2005 at 2:56 pm (Uncategorized)

it’s interesting what we find ourselves proud of…

i spent my whole early development knowing that i was smart, but having to hide it- i didn’t want to get bullied (because it totally wasn’t cool to be smart), and i didn’t want to get used by all those homework mooches. even now, when people say i’m smart, it’s always in a very condescending tone, and they totally resent it. why? why is it so bad to be smart, even now in graduate school? really, it’s my intelligence i want people to recognize most, more than how i look or my personality or anything else. not that i’ve got much else to offer.

but brains alone don’t cut it, do they? you have to be cute, witty and perky to get noticed anywhere. am i okay with just sinking into obscurity, or do i need to cultivate some people skills and style?

what i really need is to go to a school with other departments, so i can mingle with people who have other interests. all the marine biology students here seem to care about is drinking and sports. very depressing, since i don’t like most sports. on the plane to austin last weekend, i sat between a girl reading popular science and guy writing prose- i felt so at home! that is what graduate school should be. love the ‘nerdy’ things you do, and do them, and share them with others! i feel like i’m suffocating at this school. i need to be able to go wonder museums to clear the science cobwebs out of my mind, or go to a coffee shop where i can evesdrop on people arguing about the finer details of a bach piece.

…and i know it is really stupid and superficial, but i’m also proud of my bust. there, i’ve said it. and i’m not taking it back.

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August 19, 2005 at 8:22 am (Uncategorized)

am i a real person? sometimes i feel like i’m going through the motions, but that none of it is real. i laugh well i’m supposed to, i look concerned when it’s needed, but then on one really knows the real me underneath, not even me. am i underneath there at all? have i built up this defensive shell so thinkly that i’ve lost all contact with myself? i think my fear of being real with anyone is affecting how i deal with myself too.

my biggest regret about mom’s being gone is that she never really knew who i was. she knew me better than anyone on the planet, but i wish she could be around when i rediscover my real self, if i ever do.

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tried to wash my face but i couldn't find my head…

August 16, 2005 at 1:32 pm (Uncategorized)

there are days when i can’t understand why i’m in science at all. i can’t really design experiments, i can’t get off my ass and do the experiments i’m assigned, and everything i finally do get around to doing ends up going wrong. today is one of those days, with an added extra treat-i cut that little flap of skin between my thumb and forefinger pretty bad at lunch. fortunately, there’s not a lot of innervation there, so it doesn’t hurt or bleed as much as it looks like it should, but it still hurts a lot, and has been oozing for a while.

it’s interesting that it took me ’til last year to figure out that i’m one of those people who can’t stand the site of something bleeding. blood in a test tube ready to be worked up is one thing, but bleeding a live bird is another thing all together. while i was taking care of my dad in the hospital, he was covered in blood the first day after the accident, but i could deal with that- he’s my dad, he was (and is) alive, so little phobias got pushed aside. today, though, i’m barely bleeding yet i feel like i’m about to faint, throw up, or possibly both.

i feel like such a wuss, but i really need someone to just come hold me, let me cry out all my frustrations with science and the world, and tell me that i’m smart, sweet thing. human contact is an amazing thing you don’t really think about ’til it goes away. i get such a thrill when people call or email me, even if it is just for stupid little things. at least they thought of me.

i don’t know how i’m going to finish my masters, and yet i’m already thinking about where i should go for my phd. maybe i should focus a bit…suck it up, meg. you’re supposed to be an adult now, and evidence has shown us that this means there will be days when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but you have to pretend that everything’s fine. i think my biggest problem is trying to find someone who i can have take care of me in every situation, which, really, is just silly. if i make a bad descision, i should own up to it, and at least be proud i made it myself. i can’t just alway go along with what everyone else thinks, especially in this stupid small town. i don’t want to lose myself here, i should be in the process of finding myself, instead.

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i'm free!

August 13, 2005 at 3:20 pm (Uncategorized)

horray, biogeochem is over!!!! unless of course i totally screwed up this test and have to take the class over again next summer….

and just ’cause i’m in a good mood, here is a picture of something i miss from austin…

the terminex bug! i miss threadgills, too. the bugs in port a are almost as big as this guy, but they are much creepier (think 8 inch centipedes).

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August 12, 2005 at 3:59 pm (Uncategorized)

it’s funny that i named this blog what i did…there really aren’t that many oppurtunities for adventure in port aransas, so i guess they are all going to have to happen in my head. unless you count getting so drunk that you throw up repeatedly an adventure, which i do, since i only experienced this great joy last weekend.

to the dude i almost threw up on out there- sorry about that, i hope your shoes are okay.

final exams certainly are not an adventure, they are a major pain in the butt and a study in just how long you can feed your body crappy study food (namely doritos and cola) and deprive it of sleep before you spontaneously combust.

i had to take a couple of stingrays today- that was certainly not an adventure, it was sad, but all in the name of science, all in the name of science….

drunk kiwis dropping by unexpectedly at 230 on a thursday morning is almost an adventure. more like antic, though, especially since all he did was fall asleep as soon as he came in. i think this town is getting to more people than just me.

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oh, clio…

August 11, 2005 at 6:07 pm (Uncategorized)

look at that gorgeous cat! she’s so far away and yet she makes me so happy.

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my love/hate relationship with stress

August 11, 2005 at 9:20 am (Uncategorized)

oh stress, why are you so hard on me? i love you, i’m dedicating my life and brain to studying why and how you do the things you do, and yet you are constantly knocking me down. i’m tired of being sick, i’m tired of insomnia, and oh, the panic attacks that just won’t quit…

it’d be nice if my little hpa axis just took a break for a while so i could just relax…

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descent 1a

August 11, 2005 at 6:57 am (Uncategorized)

i am a sad, sad lonely little girl. my mom was my anchor, she kept me grounded, and i lived for her respect, to make her both proud of me and happy with life in general. now that she’s gone, who’s going to tell me when i’m being a self destructive moron? i know there are other people who love me out there, but they just aren’t her.
it gets better, right? the pain goes away eventually, people stop being really careful around me, like i’m made of glass, and i can go out without worrying that some little thing will set me into a descent…eventually this all happens, right? the hole in my heart closes up so i can love life again like i used to, the numbess goes away, and my life goes on? there is no one left who can honestly tell me how to fix my life, and i’m not brave enough to do it myself.

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port a at sunset

August 10, 2005 at 2:30 pm (Uncategorized)

what more can i say. i guess there’s something to this town afterall. sometimes. let’s not get too carried away here.

that’s a wooden bird, by the way. though not a lot of people realize this until they sneak up on it to take pictures of it.

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