tried to wash my face but i couldn't find my head…

August 16, 2005 at 1:32 pm (Uncategorized)

there are days when i can’t understand why i’m in science at all. i can’t really design experiments, i can’t get off my ass and do the experiments i’m assigned, and everything i finally do get around to doing ends up going wrong. today is one of those days, with an added extra treat-i cut that little flap of skin between my thumb and forefinger pretty bad at lunch. fortunately, there’s not a lot of innervation there, so it doesn’t hurt or bleed as much as it looks like it should, but it still hurts a lot, and has been oozing for a while.

it’s interesting that it took me ’til last year to figure out that i’m one of those people who can’t stand the site of something bleeding. blood in a test tube ready to be worked up is one thing, but bleeding a live bird is another thing all together. while i was taking care of my dad in the hospital, he was covered in blood the first day after the accident, but i could deal with that- he’s my dad, he was (and is) alive, so little phobias got pushed aside. today, though, i’m barely bleeding yet i feel like i’m about to faint, throw up, or possibly both.

i feel like such a wuss, but i really need someone to just come hold me, let me cry out all my frustrations with science and the world, and tell me that i’m smart, sweet thing. human contact is an amazing thing you don’t really think about ’til it goes away. i get such a thrill when people call or email me, even if it is just for stupid little things. at least they thought of me.

i don’t know how i’m going to finish my masters, and yet i’m already thinking about where i should go for my phd. maybe i should focus a bit…suck it up, meg. you’re supposed to be an adult now, and evidence has shown us that this means there will be days when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but you have to pretend that everything’s fine. i think my biggest problem is trying to find someone who i can have take care of me in every situation, which, really, is just silly. if i make a bad descision, i should own up to it, and at least be proud i made it myself. i can’t just alway go along with what everyone else thinks, especially in this stupid small town. i don’t want to lose myself here, i should be in the process of finding myself, instead.

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