sometimes she feels like dying, she gets so sick of crying…

August 29, 2005 at 11:15 am (Uncategorized)

oh, depression. you forget to take one stupid pill at night and you pay for it in spades the next day. according to my messed up brain today, everyone is giving me weird looks, so i must have done something wrong; my advisor thinks i’m a total idiot (which may actually be true) so i might as well just drop out of grad school now. but hey, why stop at just dropping out? i might as well just go ahead and jump off the roof. that way my last memory will be the thrill of flying through the air. i don’t want my life to pass before my eyes- what do i have to show? nothin’ but regret, according to my brain.

and why, why does it seem like there are no good people out there? everything seems to be motivated by sex. now, i’m a reproductive/stress biologist, so i understand the primal, genetic need to spread those genes as much as possible, plus i know it’s fun to do so, but it seriously bugs me when i hear about someone being supremely nice to someone else, but their motivation is simply “hey, i could get sex out of this if i’m nice!”. i’m not a goody-two-shoes prude, but i naively believed that people did good things just to be good people- that’s what i do, so do i come off looking like a chump just because i held a door open for a guy in a wheelchair, or ran after some lady who left her purse on the bus? hmm. is this why my advisor thinks i’m an idiot? because i’m a girl in a lab full of boys, so there must be something inferior about me? or does he just think i’m a lazy idiot? i’ll admit to being lazy, but i’m not an idiot.

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