suppressing the madness

November 13, 2005 at 10:18 pm (Uncategorized)

the madness is building up inside me. i get these urges where i just want to throw everything around and scream forever, or at least until my mom comes back. i want to punch people, i want to rip stuff up, i want to throw a tantrum like the world has never seen. sometimes crying just isn’t enough anymore. thank goodness for pills, huh? they help me fit in, help me be social, help me keep my job and do my school work. too bad none of it really matters. nothing really matters. justin matters, my dad and brother matter. i don’t matter. who besides those just mentioned would cry forever for me if i were gone, like how i bleed tears for my mother? no one. yet i’m still around, chugging away at life. silly meg. just take your pills, be quiet, do what’s normal so you freak anyone out. no one wants to hear your grief, it frightens them, makes them uncomfortable while they think “thank god it happened to her and not me”. does anyone understand what’s going on in my head? my mom would have. what a fun paradox, what an irony, the one person who could help me is the one who is driving me to madness. and look at that, “driving me to madness”. what a fateful phrase. if they hadn’t been out driving, if they hadn’t borrowed that guy’s truck, if the jackass who cut them off had just paid a little more attention…

help me get through the madness, mom. crying isn’t enough anymore. science isn’t enough. i can’t write anything or play music. i just get weird and then really, really tired. i’m exhausted now. back to life, no time for depressed sleep, i can’t tell the difference between my dreams and life anymore anyway, except that in my dreams i don’t have pointless termpapers due, like i do in life.

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November 10, 2005 at 1:21 pm (Uncategorized)

i have never felt more like quitting grad school than i do today.

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