i've given up on trying to go to bed on time.

June 27, 2007 at 10:34 pm (Uncategorized)

whenever i try to go to bed “at a reasonable hour”, i always end up lying there, playing sudoku and thinking about ninja turtles or something until a very “unreasonable hour”, so i’m not even trying tonight.

crap. many fun and interesting blog topics flit through my head everyday, either while i’m walking to the bus stop, lying in bed trying to sleep, or sitting in seminar trying not to nod off, and yet every time i sit down at the computer, these fabulous ideas just fly right on out of my skull. poop.

i’d like to report that it is apparently never going to stop raining here in austin. it’s been raining for a least a month (in my mind, anyway- this is not based on any actual fact) and there is no end in sight. however, i have figured out a way to make it stop raining for at least a little while! here’s the secret: 1) wear big ass waterproof shoes- either hiking boots or the ever classy goulashes; 2) buy and carry around an oversized umbrella that is some sort of painful color or pattern; 3) plan to work inside all day. this sure fire combination of tricks will ensure it does not rain a drop on you all day. how do i know this? that’s what happened to me today!! so, doubters out there try it, you’ll see i’m right.

not that i have anything against rain- i actually sleep the best during thunderstorms, to the extreme that the really loud and crazy storms don’t wake me up, ever. lightning could crash to the ground outside my window and i would never know if, if i’m asleep at the time. this phenomenon is also true of sleeping on boats- the best sleep i have ever had was on a research vessel. in fact, the sleep is so good that once the research vessel i was on hit a sandbar and ran aground (to avoid being hit by an oil tanker- the lesser of two evils, in the long run). for those not in the know, running aground on a big metal boat is a big, loud deal- the metal hull scraps the bottom and makes a horrible, loud, awful noise, which then terrifies everyone on board. except me, because apparently i slept through it. that’s the same kind of sleep i look forward to during rain storms. unfortunately it seems like it only seems to really rain hard when i’m walking from one building on campus to another when i don’t have my umbrella on me. oh well.

i’ve come to a simple conclusion that involves a serious character flaw in me that follows a central theme in my life where i refuse to do things by halves- i’m an all or nothing kind of girl. along these lines, consider the following. i tend to be very independent, and have been yelled at repeatedly for not letting people help me out when they can and i need it. however, it seems like the people who i totally let my guard down with and lean all over on tend to be the ones who let me fall flat on my face. there is no in between. the easiest example is my fiancée, the boy. he lives in corpus, i live in austin, it sucks but i graduated from grad school and got a job here while he stayed in corpus with his job (don’t get me started on the logic). this move happened last november, and here it is june. originally, he was going to move in june (you know, now), then it got pushed back to august, then september, and now (as of yesterday), november. yup, a whole year apart. we visit each other and talk all the time, and the love is still good, so really, this continual pushing back of the date should not bother me. i mean hey, i get to live alone again, which is great because no one yells at me if i don’t do the dishes until there are none left (or, as it usually goes, the laundry). however, the last time the boy told me about the move being pushed back yet again, i was crushed. if you have ever been crushed, really, really emotionally crushed, you will know that this is an emotion that really does feel like you are being physically crushed by a huge hand (if it wasn’t happening to me and so sucky, i’d think it was fascinating). i was down about it all day yesterday and could barely get out of bed this morning. and this made me very angry. angry at the boy? well, perhaps, since that is the root, but really i’m angry that he made me a little more depressed. what really gets me is that i obviously invested a lot of emotion into the idea that he was moving back soon, and when the plans changed (like they always do, so this shouldn’t have been a surprise), i was really, really, well, crushed. so i set myself up for this crush, which pisses me off. another great example? my mom. i didn’t realize how much emotion i had invested in my mom until she was gone. i’ve blogged about that fact enough that i don’t think i really need to go into it.

the example that will probably irk me until i die is my graduate thesis advisor. this man was my mentor when i was an undergraduate, and i thought he was great. great science, great field, a really awesome person who was actually interested in me as a scientist- he was the first person to take an interest in my scientific ideas. he also helped me get through graduation and helped me get into graduate school- he really was my hero, a real live non-80s-cartoon hero. and then i started working for him for graduate school, and now he is possibly the only person on the planet who i can honestly say i almost hate. ok, very strong, but that’s the level of disappointment i have with this person. all the sudden in graduate school, i went from a promising young scientist to a stupid girl. i was constantly ridiculed for my extra x chromosome (“haha, you just can’t stand all the testosterone in the lab”) which was ridiculously childish. i also had no guidance, and let me tell you, grad school is hard. they tell you that the transition from high school to college is hard, and that’s crap. however, the college to grad school transition is a painful, painful process, or at least it was at my school. and where was my advisor? no where. either ignoring me completely while trying hard to fit in with “the guys” or giving me funny looks when i tried desperately to figure out just what, exactly, i was doing with my research. there was a point where he came into my office (“the guys” were all on vacation, so i guess he realized he had another student, even if i did have that extra x chromosome) and told me that i would never make it in science and that i should quit. not to mention that he said my research was shit. well, hmm, maybe i could’ve, i don’t know, used an advisor??? he turned out to be totally wrong, too- i’m still in science, i’m still doing research, and i have had my research praised by some top scientists in my field. so haha. what i really need is that one really good thing to happen that i can use to rub in his face- a publication in science or nature, for example. then, i can tell this former hero that even though he did knock me down, i got back up. and so he can go to hell.

-end rant!

here’s a fun bonus for my lovely (2) readers: a picture of me in my full gear for my self d
efense class.
you can’t tell, but i’m baring my teeth in a scary fashion under the helmet. we got to beat the crap out of “aggressors” today, it was super fun and scary at the same time. unfortunately, today was the last class…sigh. but, never fear! i started my first ever informal class yesterday- japanese for beginners! yay, i can barely use english and i’m going for a second language (third if you count latin…which most people don’t). watashi wa gaijin desu!

ok, finally almost sleepy…time to go play sudoku in bed.

spacedi said…

Maybe you are having trouble sleeping because you are 2 hours behind Texas time like me. Bleh. I still feel sorta weird and jet-lagged even with just 2 hours difference!

Oh, and I’m in Austin now so if you wanna hang give me a call (512) 771-9948. I went up to UTIG yesterday with my brother who works there now…hahaha..and met with old advisor/grads there. Today I decided to stay behind, but right now I am only laying in bed reading email and blogs. LOL

Call me when you are free! 🙂

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1 Comment

  1. spacedi said,

    Maybe you are having trouble sleeping because you are 2 hours behind Texas time like me. Bleh. I still feel sorta weird and jet-lagged even with just 2 hours difference!Oh, and I’m in Austin now so if you wanna hang give me a call (512) 771-9948. I went up to UTIG yesterday with my brother who works there now…hahaha..and met with old advisor/grads there. Today I decided to stay behind, but right now I am only laying in bed reading email and blogs. LOLCall me when you are free! 🙂

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