hide and seek

October 28, 2007 at 12:11 pm (Uncategorized)

i went to an interesting seminar recently, where an md talked about depression. md talks are interesting, especially for someone used to hearing talks by scientists rather than doctors. doctors tend to try to blow you away with case study results, and mash lots of studies up into a one hour long talk, while scientists want you to actually understand what they did, how they did it, and they want you to respect them for it.

anyway, so i saw a talk by an md on depression. apparently after having one depressive episode, it is super easy to fall into another, and after more than 5 depressive episodes it’s pretty much a given that you’ll get another. fabulous, i’ve had about 2845739 episodes. lately it’s been very easy for me to get depressed, which has been pretty crappy. the thing is, i’m pretty sure no one can tell- if you’ve had depression, real, clinical depression, you know it’s easy to cover it up when talking to people, so you basically come across as a happy-as-a-loon type person instead of someone who feels like they just can’t keep up with their own life. at least for me, i don’t want people to talk to me about my depression, or to pity me, or even know it’s still a problem. on the other hand, sometimes i feel like i just want someone to rescue me. rescue me from the depression, rescue me from my now-regular life, from my routine, boring weekends, my messy apartment, and from my never ending debt. take me far, far away, to someplace beautiful and full of nature and things i’ve never seen, with bookstores and hobby shops on every corner, where i don’t get looked at strangely for liking the things i like…but hey, that’s just a passing thought. ’cause i’m fine. always. never better. this is not an invitation for creepy blog stalkers to come after me, by the way. it’s just the random babbling of sad little girl in a dirty apartment, with no one to talk to, not really anyway. but that’s why we have blogs, right?


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spam makes me violently ill

October 27, 2007 at 6:21 pm (Uncategorized)

soooooo it’s saturday. while browsing other blogs written by random austin people, i realized that nearly every single blog i viewed had a post for today, and at least every other day before it. how do these super bloggers do it? admittedly a lot of the posts were “hey it’s saturday and i made toast!” or whatever, but i am still impressed by these frequent posters. i think i’ve built up too much pressure for myself to blog- that is, people i actually know read this blog, so i feel i have to always be super witty and interesting. unfortunately, that is rarely the case. sigh…

anyway, here’s what i’ve done so far today: i got up very late, around 1pm (it’s been a very rough week, thank you very much). the boy and i had lunch on our balcony, which was lovely. the balcony is screened in, and is just the right size for a card table, two chairs, some plants and various cats to all hang out in harmony with some room to spare. the weather was freakin’ perfect, too- about 70 degrees, lightly breezy, sunny…the only down side was that the boy made me eat spam. he does this about once a year, because he grew up on spam and loves it, whereas i grew up on monty python and just the thought of canned meat that is not tuna makes me slightly nauseous. however, in the spirit of the lovely day i ate it, along with a lovely potato and cheese omelet. yeah, still do not like spam. the texture freaks me out. and, a few hours later, my digestive system freaked out, too. it’s still not very happy, and i’m wondering if i should attempt to eat real food to calm it down a little, or if that will just anger it further…

anyway, other than anthropomorphizing my digestive system, i also learned how to macrame today, and i’m working on a little carrying case for my (non-ipod) mp3 player. it’s only a few lines long right now, but i’ll post pictures when it’s complete (of course!). also, i’ve discovered that i enjoy doing macrame while watching law and order (svu, of course)- with x-files it was knitting, and with bones it’s beading. if i pick up more crafty hobbies i’ll have to find another television show…

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craft of an ovarian nature

October 19, 2007 at 10:33 pm (Uncategorized)

in anticipation of makers faire tomorrow, i’m posting a quick, late night crafty blog. we all know that i suffer from ovarian cysts by now, right? well, i decided to use my craft powers as an outlet for how i really feel about them:
in case you are confused, or need orientation, the huge blue thing is an ovary, and the two beady (literally, haha!) eyed cretins bursting through the poor, hapless and helpless ovary are cysts. now, though i am an endocrinologist tech, i actually don’t know much about the physiology of cysts, but i do know how they feel. according to all the pain they cause me, cysts are little bundles of evil that burst through my poor ovaries at random, inconvenient times, especially when i’m stressed. my original plan was to punch my little felt ovary whenever my real ones hurt, but how could i punch that poor sad face? so instead i will flick the little bastard cyst faces!

and now to sleep and dream of the awesomeness that awaits me tomorrow…though if maker’s faire is just robots like my dad thinks it is i’m going to be pissed…i’ll post pictures, of course, but i’ll still be pissed.

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i had intended for this to be a happy post…

October 19, 2007 at 5:05 pm (Uncategorized)

ooooh, i’m such a bad blogger. i keep meaning to write, but i’m either too lazy or too busy working or watching cartoons (just finished lucy, daughter of the devil, now on to frisky dingo…). anyway. the boy is finally totally moved in, and the cats still have not killed each other, so all is well, at least at first glance. i turned 26 last week, which was pretty uneventful. i guess i over think my birthdays, so when they aren’t mind numbingly awesome i’m disappointed. my 18th birthday was super, super awesome. maybe i’ll go into details later. i’d have to find a scanner to scan all the scandalous pictures that resulted from that party…

on to other things. i start the second installment of my informal japanese class in a week and a half- so i have a week and a half to relearn everything from the first class! i’m so tired when i get home from work, though, that i pretty much just zone out in front of cartoons instead of pulling out the books. maybe i can get the boy to let me teach him what i learned in the last class- that’s always the best way to learn something, and it would force me to actually do it.

speaking of the boy (who never reads these, anyway), i think we are having little issues settling back into the cohabitation lifestyle. specifically, i think i weirdly put limits on myself when around him, such as not going out to drink as much with my friends, though he’s never limited me in any way. maybe he’s just a convient excuse for me- i recently had yet another %*#&$ student loan become due, bringing my monthly total up to almost $700 dollars. stupid, stupid education! if i was in a field where $700 was not a third of my damn paycheck, i might not be so pissed, but i’m a scientist! not even a real scientist, but a freakin’ science tech- we get paid crap!! i may have to reconsider getting a second job, even with the boy living with me. not to mention the fact that i am already two months behind on my second loan, apparently. i got three bills all at once- september, october, and the original paperwork laying out my repayment schedule. what the hell am i going to do? all i can think of is that i have to get another credit card, just to pay the bills i’m behind on, which means adding a new credit card bill to my stack… crap, why isn’t education free? it should be paid for by the damn government! i’m sorry i’m not from some damn rich family that doesn’t even appreciate their degree! and i’m also sorry my parents worked their asses off and made just enough money so that i couldn’t get any good grants!

on the plus side, the weather is finally becoming tolerable.

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