hide and seek

October 28, 2007 at 12:11 pm (Uncategorized)

i went to an interesting seminar recently, where an md talked about depression. md talks are interesting, especially for someone used to hearing talks by scientists rather than doctors. doctors tend to try to blow you away with case study results, and mash lots of studies up into a one hour long talk, while scientists want you to actually understand what they did, how they did it, and they want you to respect them for it.

anyway, so i saw a talk by an md on depression. apparently after having one depressive episode, it is super easy to fall into another, and after more than 5 depressive episodes it’s pretty much a given that you’ll get another. fabulous, i’ve had about 2845739 episodes. lately it’s been very easy for me to get depressed, which has been pretty crappy. the thing is, i’m pretty sure no one can tell- if you’ve had depression, real, clinical depression, you know it’s easy to cover it up when talking to people, so you basically come across as a happy-as-a-loon type person instead of someone who feels like they just can’t keep up with their own life. at least for me, i don’t want people to talk to me about my depression, or to pity me, or even know it’s still a problem. on the other hand, sometimes i feel like i just want someone to rescue me. rescue me from the depression, rescue me from my now-regular life, from my routine, boring weekends, my messy apartment, and from my never ending debt. take me far, far away, to someplace beautiful and full of nature and things i’ve never seen, with bookstores and hobby shops on every corner, where i don’t get looked at strangely for liking the things i like…but hey, that’s just a passing thought. ’cause i’m fine. always. never better. this is not an invitation for creepy blog stalkers to come after me, by the way. it’s just the random babbling of sad little girl in a dirty apartment, with no one to talk to, not really anyway. but that’s why we have blogs, right?

right.

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