July 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm (Uncategorized)

so, during my dasyatis blog hiatus (from april through, um, last week) i was secretly writing on another blog,, under a silly name, that no one knew about. seriously, no one knew about it, i got exactly zero comments. well, now that i’ve decided to reclaim my original slice of the internet, i’m moving some posts over. most are sorta depressing, but, well, that’s sorta par for the course for me, isn’t it? note- i left out the posts where i describe how i feel about certain labmates, just in case…

from 6/16: the universe and i are not on speaking terms

a couple weeks ago i lost one of my best friends. my fiancee and i came home from having a great day (i think), and found one of cats had died. my lovely, perfect, first cat, clio, died for no apparent reason.

why??? she was fine when we left, then we came home and…

good things happen sometimes, right? to some people? sigh.

from 5/19, setting the tone

man, so many of my posts on this blog are depressing. i’m really not that sad in really life, honest! this post will be less depressing and should be read with more of an exasperated tone…

two things happened to me this morning which set the tone for my whole day, if not week:

-i woke up this morning, got ready for work, felt ok and was almost out the door when all the sudden my alarm clock rang and i woke up for real. apparently i had dreamt about getting ready after hitting my snooze button.

-one of my cats, moon, who is a little black cat, enjoys running out of our apartment so that we have to chase her down three flights of stairs, grab her, and throw her back in the apartment. she did that as i was leaving this morning, so i went after her, grabbed her (while she hissed her stupid little head off), took her back upstairs and chunked her back in the apartment. after this, i locked up the apartment, went down stairs, and saw moon, sitting on the ground floor staring back up at me. it felt like something in my brain broke, it made so little sense. of course, it was a different cat altogether, that just happens to look very much like moon- the only way i can tell it’s not actually her is that it’s a he, and he has a slightly larger head.

am i over worked? probably, but i just came back from a 4-day break. am i crazy? probably, but i’m on pills for that. thus i will just conclude that these two events are just omens for how monotonous my week will be…

from 5/13, lines of usefulness

…the title will probably only make sense if you’ve read the orphans of chaos series by john c. wright…

anyway, there are days when i am completely useless, to myself and everyone around me. or just days where i just keep doing everything wrong. whatever. today is one of those days. it started with me being behind in everything at work, and totally over my head in never ending work, and has culminated in me not being able to find the damn hospital where my dad was taken after having a fainting spell at work. it doesn’t help that my fiancee made fun of me for it, or that he didn’t bother coming in to work (we work at the same university) until i had to rush off on my desperate but failed quest to see my dad at the hospital. now i can’t stop knocking stuff over and making a fool of myself. awesome.

deep breaths…

in other news, the kittens are all doing fine and i can’t help falling in love with one in particular- the one with the bloody nose from an earlier post, in fact- which is bad, because i’ll have to take them to the shelter soon, since we already have two permanent cats and one transient cat who loves us at night but likes to roll around in the dirt outside while we’re at work.

this past week i spent 50 long, dark hours in closet of a room, trapped with 90 samples, one huge and crotchety microscope and a lab mate. i only bring this up because by the third day we had given up on trying to multitask while the microscope was working and instead just watched movies and cartoons, including some of my favorites, Firefly and She-ra. It occured to me while watching She-ra that it seriously needs to be updated. Imagine what people could do with it now! For one thing, She-ra could get rescued by guys a little less- come on, people, it’s a girl-power show! i think i’m going to start rewriting She-ra stories, if nothing else than for an excuse to write…

oh yeah, my dad’s ok, by the way. he just had some vertigo, apparently. maybe as reaction to antihistamines, apparently. yay!

from 4/30, sigh

i’m so sad. one of our kittens might have some sort of brain trauma. when i got home yesterday, all three kittens were running around, having a good time, being normal. then, about an hour later i checked on them again and one of them, my favorite one, had a bloody nose. the poor little thing had blood coming from both nostrils, and was sneezing blood. i’m hoping the mama just knicked her or something when they were playing, but i don’t know. it also looks like one eye is crying bloody tears…but according to a pet website that can be normal, and cat tears are a reddish tinge anyway. it just looks really dramatic. i’m really, really hoping she’s just got a little nose bleed, but she’s seems lethargic. maybe she’s just tired from having a bloody nose?

poor little one…

from 4/15, the often thought

there are more and more times now when i wonder why i do what i do, why i didn’t make different choices that would’ve lead my life in totally different directions, why i delude myself about loving living in my home town, why i don’t do something about it all. even if i had the means, would i be able to make radical changes in my life? would i have the guts?

do i actually enjoy life anymore? is there a point to it all? do i really need to get married? if i’m not having kids now, is it too late? do i care? do i want kids? do i not want kids? is life really about just getting through school then shoving out the kids? if it isn’t, what do i do now?


time for bed. everything looks better in the morning, right? right?!?

from 4/10, i’m such a bad blogger

yes, yes, i know i’m bad about posting…but i have excuses. we’ve been rearranging our apartment. it goes against all the rules of feng shui now and that’s just how we like it. i’ve decided that if i’m going to turn a blind eye to established religions and dogmas and think for myself, that includes feng shui. sorry, all my asian friends and former roommates, but it’s my head and my life. if my energy is all crazy, well, try not to get tangled in it.

in other news, there are now only three kittens on our porch. sigh. the runt didn’t make it. that was not a pleasant sight to come across, believe you me. on to happier thoughts…


dammit, when i get in a funk i have a very bad habit of lashing out at people who piss me off. or, people who i just decide are too dumb for me to deal with. or something. there’s no point in going into details, but let’s just say it’s a good thing i was raised to be polite under all circumstances! and, thanks to dad, i get even more polite and start using fun big words when i’m super pissed. but, since i hide in a little closet of our lab (for work, really, it just so happens our ultrami
crotome is in a closet. a tiny, smelly closet) most of the day, all that ranting comes across through email, which can then be described as being nothing but polite and professional. it’s all about how you read it, right?

in other news, i think i’m going to start writing short stories. i love good sci-fi or fantasy short stories. phillip k. dick is my freakin’ hero, his short stories make me so happy… for the fantasy/horror side, i just finished a slew of neil gaiman stories, and i loved them, too. his very british about his characters, in a dent-arthur-dent kind of way, and while i usually don’t read many stories with male protagonists, his are enjoyable. maybe i just don’t like the stories where the male is super great all the time and makes the ladies swoon. i like weaknesses in my male main characters and strengths in my female main characters, is that so wrong? if only i could make guys swoon…

from 4/3, OMG

teehee!!! one of the outside cats that hangs out and eats our cat food has decided our balcony is the best place to nurse her kittens…though after i spent a while taking a bunch of pictures of her and the babies she might change her mind…

she seems really happy, and let me cuddle her babies and her. i think they’re only a few days old. with all the time i’ve spent with cats in my life (e.g. there was a cat that would sleep in my crib with me, no matter what my mom tried to do. she (the cat, appropriately named mom cat) would groom me and even growl when people she didn’t know tried to get near me), i’ve never really seen kittens this young. i didn’t know they had little soft claws that don’t retract!! also they still have their umbilical cords, which is pretty gross, but still interesting.

the only downside of all this is that i just put that chair out on the balcony, and got the balcony exactly how i want it so i can sit outside and read on weekends. i even got a few more plants and a new bamboo curtain so the whole balcony is shaded. and where did the momma (who i named fannie ’cause it’s cute) decide to put the babies? right smack in the middle of the chair, of course. but sooooo cute…. i’m thinking about making a box and lining it with soft, soft fleece and see if she’ll move them to it.

from 3/29, no title

i’ve been sitting in front of a blank “new post” screen for sometime now. there’s something i want to get out of my system and into the ether, but i can’t get it together in my brain, much less into words.

things are going. nothing great, nothing awful, just going. nothing exciting. it’s times like these the grief i’ve been hiding for three years, since my mom died, tries to peak it’s little head. i spent so much time making sure my dad was ok after their accident that i didn’t bother making sure i was ok (here’s a hint: i’m not). but now he’s all happy and engaged to his girlfriend, so i have to focus somewhere else. my brother, perhaps? but no, he’s up in the northwest, living with a family that i’m sure he’s replaced us with. afterall, they have a mom, a dad, and a little sister, rather than a dad, a late mom, and a big sister. i’m stuck in my home town, unable to get the courage to go do anything. i should be happy- i’m engaged, i’ve got a good job working with a world famous endocrinologist, and i have three cats. on the other hand, i’m 26, living in an apartment, making crap money, with a fiancee who’d rather watch anime than talk to me. plus the cats are always trying to destroy my desk.

ok, i admit i’m wallowing in self pity, but again, that’s just a distraction from letting myself get dragged down into grief. that’s a fun spiral. the spiral will run out eventually, though. after spending my whole life as a maddeningly goal oriented individual, i’m suddenly in a position where i’ve got no plans, no aspirations, just life as it is forever and ever.

see, i slipped back into self pity there. how easy it is…maybe my blood sugar is low. maybe i need to sleep. maybe i can delude myself into thinking it’s something physiological rather than psychological…maybe i’ll go read a book and avoid reality for a while. reality is over-rated anyway.

from 3/25, hmph

so, i had my interview, even though i almost didn’t make it. don’t just rely on google maps, people! use your brain, too! google maps took me to a monstrously huge building where i couldn’t find any parking and where i ended up going into many, many offices looking for the damn place where i was supposed to go. silly me, twenty minutes later, gave up…and found out it was the building right next to the one i had gone into. poop.

the first half of the interview went well, even though the lady glared at me pretty hard when i finally showed up. she showed me the lab, told me lots of stuff, i asked lots of (what i thought were) smart questions. but then we went to meet the “business” side- i turned into a babbling mess. i couldn’t shut up. i could remember any science. i said stupid things. most importantly, i wouldn’t shut up! it was like all the maturing i had done since high school suddenly evaporated. sigh…

so, i don’t think i got that job. they said they’d get back to me by early this week…and tuesday’s already over. is wednesday still considered early in the week? whatever.

in other news, i had my yearly review at my current job, and it was half good and half a total wash out. my boss is veeeeeeeery big on lip service. i don’t mind if we’re dealing with bureaucratic offices and we have to suck up to them, but i hate it when she patronizes me, or dumbs things down. however she did give me a ten percent raise…we’ll see when that gets pushed through.

sigh. work is getting weird again, raise or no raise. the stupid tech my boss hired has absolutely ZERO experience working in a lab, so she keeps screwing stuff up or passing stuff on to the undergrads to do. my boss refuses to do anything about it, it seems. while the rest of us are ordered to be nice and smiley (one of my assistants was actually chastised for being “too sullen” when she was actually being polite), this woman yells and screams and lets us all know she thinks we are incredibly stupid. even those of us who are experts in the lab at what we do obviously have no idea what we are doing. she’s twice my age so obviously she knows better than me about something that i’ve been doing for a year.

however, i recently got so angry and stressed with this job that i ended up in the hospital for gastrointestinal bleeding, so i must remember to take deep breaths and relax…


i must go create something. i keep screwing up stuff i make and it is driving me crazy. i must create!

from 3/4, it’s just a fracture

so, i’m engaged. i’ve been with my fiance for nine years- we met in high school, and started dating when we were juniors. we were together through college, and even when i was in graduate school. we’ve been through a lot of shit together, and we’re pretty good at riding out the storms in life.

the thing is, he has a bad habit of disappointing me. recently, we were discussing getting married, finally and officially. i don’t want a wedding, but he does- i think it’s pointless to spend so much money on one stupid event where people you don’t really like but have to invite judge the crap out of you and you get so nervous you eat too much and your stupid million zillion dollar dress doesn’t fit. but for some reason he still wants one, usually. yesterday, he said we should just go down to the jp’s and get it done. this has been my opinion for three years, ever since we got engaged in the first place. so, we talked about dates, like the spring equinox or saint patrick’s day- both days in march, when there are no birthdays or anything to get in the way of presents. he mentioned he wanted to be married before he had to go away on this big trip for work in may. so, i got really, really excited- we finally had a plan! we were finally going to do it! we never have plans, and when we do something always comes up. so, i looked into what we had to do- it’s pretty easy in texas, you just go down to the tax office and get a marriage license, then make an appointment with the jp. boom! done! i brought this up to him.

he freaked out and said i was crazy for thinking he meant this year (or really, this month).

he breaks my heart into little pieces sometimes. not completely, so it’s more like a fracture, but still…

from 3/1, new chapters

i’m thinking very hard about getting a new job. as i mentioned, the job i have now was, for a long time, my dream job. however, i am extremely tired of dealing with academic egos. not only that, but it would be nice to work some place where i could actually have money in my bank account at the end of the month. i know it sounds like i’m selling my soul, but really, some day i would like to move out of the apartment lifestyle and possibly buy a house. then i could paint it crazy she-ra colors.

so, today i applied for four industry jobs. i haven’t told my boss yet. Even if nothing comes from these jobs, it is nice to get my name out there, and updating my resume was empowering.

and now we wait…


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