no rabbits or sharks were harmed in the making of this blog post

November 20, 2008 at 12:05 am (life in general)

my days are full of such strangeness.

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in a conversation with my ex-assistant-’cause-the-boss-is-crazy-but-we’re-totally-still-buds-even-though-the-universe- hates-us: something that i don’t remember but involved using the phrase “in retrospect” toooootally wrong

me: you totally used that phrase wrong there, it should be used like: “in retrospect, i should not have eaten that hotdog out of the trash”.

yee yee: well you and i both know i would have if it were a chili dog. also, we haven’t used the word vulva in a while!

****

if you ever wonder where my weirdness comes from:

my dad: something about how he was grumpy ’cause he had a poopy day

me: see, that’s why you need a hobby where you stab things (referring to needle felting, a perfectly or at least mostly harmless hobby)

my dad: well, i did but they kept running away

me: f*cking rabbits

me: (to myself): i love rabbits! i should needle felt a rabbit! i don’t think i took my meds yet today…

****

if you ever wonder why the i am still how i am:

my fiancee, who was until recently called the boy but now i want to give him another nickname: holy crap, clothes at american apparell are hot. you know how much i love the 80s!

me, after looking at said clothes: wow, these are hardcore 80s style. also you can totally see nipple through, like, half of this stuff! blatant nipple!

boy: what’s wrong with nipples?!

me: what’s wrong with this!?

that guy: ok, yeah, some of it does look like aqua teen hunger force hooker clothes

me: also, doesn’t this look like a uterus?

****

and then i have conversations with myself:

me, on bus, listening to guy behind me softly (by which i mean at the top of his lungs) singing a sounds-pretty-but-is-totally-pervy-if-you-listen-to-it song, boy-band style: that guy is basically singing that song in my ear. is he coming on to me? don’t make eye contact! face forward! stupid bus crazies!

me, a few stops later: hahahaha, it’s a girl, not a dude! that makes this about 23 times weirder! not ’cause of any potential gayness, but because she’s singing a very not-nice-for-ladies type song!

said girl, at the top of her lungs: hey! i can score some nose candy from that guy! busdriver, let me off here!

me: i have to put this on my blog…

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and following in the vein of stuff i seriously cannot make up, one of my coworkers was shot in the eye with a freakin’ laser beam today. seriously. apparently an astronomy student was at the top of a building playing around with the laser they use to map stars (!!!) and decided it would be funny to point out the laser at people’s eyes on the street. or was drunk or something. i don’t know, but we’ll get an email about it tomorrow, fo’ sho’! anyway, now my coworker has to rush off for an emergency eye doctor appointment in the morning for what she merely referred to as “visual disturbances” which i’m sure is code for “holy sh*t, my eyeballs are melted!” except i hope not ’cause that would suck and also probably smell. i sent her a very compassionate email in which i told her that this was all way too weird to be true and that i thought, in actuality, her eyes probably just hurt from reading too much bloggess. ’cause mine sure do. I spent 3 hours of my precious not-at-work-or-on-the-damn-bus-or-sleeping time reading the bloggess, but i don’t go around making up stories about lasers, do i? she (the blogggess) is a drug and no amount of cowbell will cure me of her. also, no sharks were harmed in the whole laser process, that i know of.

****

in other news, i’ve happily planned to spend the days immediately following thanksgiving at work, collecting data on a microscope in a closet ’cause I hate holidays and would rather spend them locked in a dark room than pretending to be happy around people who are made uncomfortable by my mere presence. fact.

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1 Comment

  1. grannypanties said,

    i’m still excited that i make your daddy blush with stripper names…although i forgot what it was…frank? joe? steve?

    well, they all sound sexy to me.

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