it had been a while since my last panic attack

February 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm (Uncategorized)

seriously, it’s been at least a year, two years since the really bad ones.

*attention, people i know in real life, especially those i work with: i never want to talk about this in real life, so don’t even try. really. you think i can be mean and bossy now…*

so, sometimes i peruse the craiglist missed connections page, just for fun, and sometimes i peruse the casual encounters page, because i think they are hilarious. but, no more.

i think i found my dad’s ad.

and the weirdest thing is that i’m not creeped out or anything, i’m actually really, really sad. if my mom were alive, would he be putting himself out there like that?

and just now, as i felt myself starting to cry, i got up and walked into the bathroom, and just stood in front of the mirror. why?? do i hope to see my mom in my reflection? it happened once before, and freaked me the hell out. but now, do i hope it’ll happen again?

plus, the answer to my above question about “if my mom were alive would my dad put himself out there” is, of course, yes. yeah, sounds backwards, but it’s always been that way. that’s just how my parents rolled. whatever. both the guys in my family always think with their little heads rather than their big ones. that’s why i liked talking to my mom- she didn’t look for ways to turn everything i said into a “that’s what she said” joke. plus she didn’t patronize me, she just told me how it was. if i’d had her support in grad school…damn it, i could’ve ruled the damn world. or at least told my adviser to go f*ck himself when he deserved it, instead of letting him treat me like absolute crap.

i miss my mom.


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