not so fantastic

February 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm (Uncategorized)

my dad has officially put the new woman in his life before me. what a wonderful precedent. and he’s switched from “do you want to meet her” to “you know you’ll have to meet her someday”. great. that’s what i need, someone new to resent. i’m fine with her being an abstract idea, just some random entity that makes my dad happy, because goodness knows he deserves it, but i would like her to remain anonymous, instead of becoming a real person. then i’d have to become a good person and get over thoughts like “they’re doing things that he and MOM used to do”, or “you will never be my mother or replace that part of my life”. i think it comes down to jealousy, or at least part of it does. my dad has found someone to fill the hole in his life created when my mom died. considering their relationship, that is reasonable and possible. i will NEVER be able to find a new mom, nor do i never want to. that gap in my life will be there forever. i’ve lost the person i shared the best jokes with, and the most weird and intimate stuff in my life with. i no longer have that person whom i can ask weird questions to and expect to get completely straight answers from. there is no way to replace my MOTHER. my dad doesn’t understand this, i don’t think, not really- his mom is still alive. he lost his wife, but he admitted to me that even when they were together, he loved other people. it’s not like i ever cheated on mommy with another mom.

p.s. whoever reads this- what is said on the blog, stays on the blog- if you want to say something, just comment, don’t call me all frustrated with me. the whole point of this blog is to get all that stuff in my head out so people can better understand what’s going on under all that frizz, remember?


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