i'll probably need to double my meds this month

February 5, 2009 at 10:45 pm (continuing depression, mom)

It’s been quite a while since my last major panic attack, so I guess I was due one. I spent my lunch hour throwing myself at potential employers at a career fair, which while it did give me some hope that maybe I’ll be able to leave academia eventually, was pretty stressful in and of itself. Turns out some of the companies that I could work for actually don’t want someone who has been out of school as long as I have…um, what?? So the more real-world experience I have, the worse a candidate I am?!? Gah. Plus, tons of the jobs I could do are actually not in Austin. FANTASTIC. Then I get back to lab and… no one is there. I end up working alone for about six hours. Sure, the first hour or two were fine, I watched some Hulu and did a ton of work. But, humans are social creatures, and after a while, the lack of stimulation lead to my mind pondering less than pleasant thoughts. A combination of mind numbingly boring tissue slicing, stress and not speaking for several hours lead to thoughts of how I’ll be stuck in academic research forever with zero intellectual input, how I’ll never make enough money to ever cover all my bills in a month and buy food at the same time,  not to mention buy a house, how basically all but one or two people I work with only talk to me when they need something or are prepping to stab me in the back, how my education was basically for NOTHING, and how if only my mom hadn’t died my life might actually be okay.

Cue massive panic attack.

Fortunately I was done with work by the time it got really bad. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a hold of anyone to help pull me out of it. See, usually all it takes is a little distraction- a text or something, like I need something to derail my brain from the bad tracks and get it back on a good or at least neutral one. The sucky part is that I can’t seem to do it myself- I can’t just pick up a book mid panic attack and start reading to distract myself, or watch a movie or something- I can’t focus. So, instead I sent a million texts and sat on the bus and tried to keep from bawling. I am awesome!

And so, February begins again. The month I try very hard to focus on my mom’s birthday, not the day of her accident. So far? Epic fail. And there are still how many days to go? Fortunately the days I get panic attacks, I don’t get insomnia, so there a minor silver lining in this…right?


1 Comment

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