I honestly don't know what is going on in my brain when I'm not paying attention

February 19, 2009 at 10:46 am (i promise i was not drunk when i wrote this, life in general, thoughts and musings)

These thoughts have been fluttering through my mind recently. Obviously it’s time to consider a lobotomy.

-I’m going to start calling the boy Dr. FianceHusband on this blog, because I’ve been reading other blogs where “the boy” refers to a kid and it creeps me out that people who write stuff on those blogs might read this blog and think I enjoy making out with or throwing things at children. GROSS. Except the throwing stuff at kids part, and then only when they really deserve it, like when they kick you in the shins first. Also calling him Dr. FianceHusband makes me thing of Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Brothers which we all know is super awesome. Dr. FianceHusband isn’t actually a doctor of anything but he’s way smarter than me which means he is light years ahead of some doctoral students I know, and on a completely different planet, intellectually, than some premed students I know so I consider it close enough. Also he is Dr. FianceHusband because we’ve been engaged for three years now, with no wedding day in sight, but in Texas if you declare you are married to someone for six months than it becomes true. I don’t know how I feel about that, hence me awkwardly calling him fiance, husband, boyfriend, or that guy, depending on my mood.

-I just found out there is an application for my phone that turns it into a vibrator. Gross and dumb. That thing goes on your head, people, as in very close to your nose. And there are way cheaper “toys” (because technically vibrators are illegal in Texas! Because this state is awesome! By which I mean sorta dumb!) out there. But the real lesson here? Never buy a used version of my phone!

-I keep being involved in conversations in which someone inevitably ends up saying something along the lines of “what do they want, some dumb blonde with big tits?” As in, “my brother only dates dumb girls, but I don’t need some blonde with big tits” or “everyone is always surprised that I’m a pole dancer, I guess they expect them all to be ditzy blondes with big tits.” PEOPLE! I am blonde and have a massive rack! And yet, apparently against all evidence out there, I am not dumb and/or ditzy! So suck it! Stop the stereotyping! I happen to know many blonde ladies with breasts who are all super smart. This may come as a shock, but we don’t think with our breasts and hair color actually has nothing to do with intelligence. Also, seriously, can you not see me when we are having these conversations? Also, whenever people say stuff like that I automatically assume they have tiny, frightened sex organs.*

-Since when did it become ok to spell it “blond” and not “blonde?”

-I often wonder if people think I am trying to grope them when I reach over them to pull the cord on the bus. I also wonder if people fart on their seats just as they get up, knowing that I’m on my way to claim their recently vacated spot.

-People who don’t understand the endocrine system make me giggle. For example: Gary Busey said, and I quote, “I’ll pull your endocrine system out of your body.” That is awesome and completely impossible because the “system” in not actually connected, that’s sorta the point of hormones. Perhaps he meant reproductive system? Or perhaps he is simply bat shit crazy?

-I wonder where the term “bat shit crazy” came from. Does it have something to do with parasites in guano? That would make sense, but I’m too lazy to google it.

-Two pairs of my jeans now have worn patches (holes!) in the left knee. This is from me sitting cross legged in my chair at work and being too cheap to buy “good” (read: not so thin and crappy that holes pop into existence when you sit cross legged in them) jeans. I’m worried, though, that people will assume it’s from something dirty that involves being on my knees (or rather, knee, since the right one is not holey. What’s up with that?), an assumption that is not helped by the fact that I am blonde with gargantuan breasts (but see above, please). I think I need to wear a sign that says “hey! that hole in my jeans is from sitting weirdly in my chair at work! Not what you’re thinking!” except that probably no one else thinks like I think they think but then they’d see the sign and be suspicious.

These thoughts keep me up at night, people. Unless I’ve taken several antihistamines, in which case I fall asleep so hard that I don’t even notice when one of cats jumps on my face so violently that I end up with an awesomely huge scratch right across the bridge of my nose.**

*That’s called irony, people. Or something. Whatever, suck it. Also I totally know the people who say stuff like that are totally jealous.

**I totally have a massively huge scratch on the bridge of my nose right now.

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3 Comments

  1. Kurt said,

    There is so much wonderment in this post that it’s like driving through the park in the wintertime when they have all those fancy light displays up and the tiny twinkling lights on the new-fallen snow bring a magical quality to the air, and the whole time you’re being serviced by a cheap BRUNETTE hooker with a huge rack.

  2. M said,

    Hmm, I’m not sure if I was just complimented or insulted…but any comment is a good comment as long as it’s not from my personal troll!

  3. persephoneblck said,

    Hooray for smart girls with big racks.
    From your favorite brunette with a big rack.

    And I never thought about the farting in bus seats, now I shall never sit down.

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