Squirrel behavior, part 2- the scientific method

March 16, 2009 at 10:18 pm (animal behavior, i promise i was not drunk when i wrote this, insomnia, jinxing myself, simply flabbergasted, weirdness abounds)

We all know I loves me some science, as long as rat vaginas are not directly involved. Last week I posited the question, “what is this squirrel thinking?” and it turns out the correct answer was given by Kurt: “I think he’s plowed on fermented berries and is telling the tree “NO! No! I LOVE you, Man!!”.” This conclusion has since been supported by the following evidence.

This is normal squirrel behavior:
img_0821bShe’s* all “oh, hey, look, I’m a squirrel and I am foraging, looking all cute and stuff! If you are a scientist, back the fuck off! I know what you guys do in that lab of yours, you perverts!” You know, normal squirrel behavior.

This is how I found crazy squirrel the other day:
This is an instance of scientific observation that can only be described as “What the fuck??” I have been watching campus squirrels for almost 10 years now (sigh) and I have never seen crazy hangover-type behavior like this before. Oh, and he’s not dead- soon after I took this shot, he moved into a hole in the tree and proceeded to watch me, all creepy-drunk-peeping-tom-squirrel style:

So we can see that someone has been partying way too hard without inviting me, which is totally uncool because I had to molest many, many rats today and if anyone needs a drink, it’s me.  That or possibly that is an anti-gravity tree so he’s hanging on for dear life, and only barely made it to the hole before flying off into space. That’s how science works, people, you gotta examine all the possibilities.

Moral of the story? Not only do we have to watch out for scary jabberwocky trees, but also anti gravity trees and/or trees filled with hungover squirrels. It seems like trees were much safer when I was a kid and all they did was fling me to the ground at high rates of speed. I’m pretty sure my cocyx got broken once, but I never had to be on the lookout for drunk rodents! Also, while we’re on the subject of stuff and being old**, how come stuff takes so long now?? For example, it apparently has taken me 30 minutes to write this blog! I did have to adjust the pictures from their original 290844789 pixel size to something that wouldn’t crush the interwebs, but still, 30 minutes?!? And holy crap, studying takes me more time now, too! I’m brushing up*** on my physics for this massive test you have to take to be a science teacher in Texas, and it took me all night to read three chapters. Three chapters of easy stuff that I already know. How the hell did I do this in college??

Oh, right. I didn’t bother reading in college. Also I didn’t have a full time job. Also my brain wasn’t all higgedly-piggedly and in need of antidepressants. Also I have to get lots of sleep now in order to be fresh enough to face work and its crazies (including, yes, the rat vaginas. Don’t act like you didn’t want to hear about them again!), wheras in college as long as I got 5 hours I was just fine. Well, suck it. I don’t know who needs to suck it, specifically, but surely someone is in dire need of a good “suck it!”

I’m so tired. So many rat vaginas await me in the morning…

Time for sleep…

*It’s very easy to tell if a squirrel is a boy or girl. As Dr. FianceHusband puts it, the boys carry around an “air conditioning unit.” Seriously, their balls are bigger than their heads. Evolution- go figure!

**Old = 27 in my case = maybe I’m just lame.

***Brushing up = poking the brain cells that already know this stuff but went into hybernation once they figured out they were not needed for grad school. Hopefully the massive amounts of drinking I did in grad school did not kill those brain cells ’cause I need them now. Otherwise I might as well find myself a nice tree hole to live in and stock up on the rum!****

****That’s right, I will be teaching children soon (assuming I pass this test). I think now is a good time to look into homeschooling.



  1. Kurt said,

    Where the hell do you live? In that forest outside the Emerald city that throw apples at people. I’d be all “Eff you trees! Every chance I got” Also. thank you for saying rat vaginas repeatedly because it’s my catch phrase “Better than a bucket of rat vaginas!” like “The More you Know!” or “Reading is FUN-damental” only with more rodent sex organs.

  2. Kurt said,

    The typos in that comment are so atrocious, a policeman just came and apprehended my fingers. Don’t ask how I’m typing this.

  3. Steam Me Up, Kid said,

    That rat has just invented LOLSquirrelz. “Iz tierd, so i’z gwun nap innis tree!”

    I’m sorry, I don’t know lolcatz well enough to imitate it. Apparently, I do know hobo creole, though.

  4. Vic said,

    Every time I start to comment, I quick look up again at the drunken squirrel picture, and then I start laughing, and my brain seizes up.

    If you were to trap that squirrel, and ship to me, I would love it, and squeeze it, and dress it in little high-water pants and a bowler hat. Until it bit me. And then I would give it a couple of shots and set it free.

    Steamy, will you teach my hobo creole?

  5. Steam Me Up, Kid said,

    I only know a few bits and pieces of hobo creole:

    Iz gwun nap innis tree.

    If iz’n evah peez mah pants, tro me inna rivah.

    Dis herr skrimps been inna mah pock’t, so’s days all warm’n soft n’ gud eatinz.

    Practice, and come back when you’re ready for your next lesson.

    PS: Hiya Megan! How’s my new pal doing today??

  6. M said,

    I only know “Naaaawlens.” I do know a lot of good ol’ boy Texan, though. Basically you just sound condescending with a drawl. And talk about the gal-dang gov’ment.

    Also, I thought of you all when I was smearing the rat vaginas this morning…

  7. Steam Me Up, Kid said,

    If I had a nickel…

  8. Kurt said,

    I want to get a Master’s Degree in Hobo Creole.

  9. Vic said,

    It’s nice to be so closely associated in your mind with rat vaginas….

    okay, let me see,

    Iz gwin tah git me summa dem’ crawdads out tha rivah..

    I’ve been practicing. And I apologize now to M for hijacking her comments…. it’s because we feel so at home here.

  10. M said,

    Ohmygod the cool kids are all hanging out at my place!! I am so not prepared for this…

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