Adventures in bus riding

March 25, 2009 at 4:49 pm (continuing depression)

There was a girl crying on the bus today.

Two years ago, that girl was me. And yet, today, I had no idea what to do. Should I comfort her? Should I ignore her? She was obviously in emotional pain. I wished I carried tissues so I could at least offer her one.

See, I actually started this blog many years ago because the therapist I was sent to to deal with my depression was, well, not very good. Here’s a tidbit

Her, in a tired, whatever-stupid-girl voice: You say you are depressed. Do you think about suicide?
Me: Yes.
Her, in a roll-the-eyes-type voice: Well, real depression involves a visualization of suicide, not just a general feeling of wishing you were dead. Do you visualize killing yourself?
Me: Yes. Knife to the throat. The only thing that stops me is that all my knives are dirty.
Her, much paler, in a shaky voice: Well…um…that’s just silly, isn’t it?
Me: What about depression follows any sort of logic pattern? My neurotransmitters are fucked all to hell. Can you just write me a prescription that will let me function so I can write my damn thesis and take care of my dad?
Her: … Well, have you tried meditation?
Me: I was raised by an atheist psychology grad student and an artist, and I’m a damn scientist. That crap does not work on me. No amount of meditation will fix my seratonin levels.
Her: … Um, ok. I’m going to give you a cd of relaxing nature sounds.
Me:  You suck.

And there you have it. The blog was created so I had a place to get all my crazy out without having to listen to someone tell me all I needed was to meditate and I’d be magically over the death of my mom. Also, it’s free! Therapists? Not so free.

Anyway, so I got off the bus having done nothing for this poor girl who seemed to be dying on the inside, much like I have been for several years, and I felt like a horribly, useless human being because I’ve been in so much emotional pain that I spontaneously started crying on the bus ride home in the past, and yet I did nothing for this girl.

Then, she got off too! This is it, I thought, I can comfort her if she looks to me for guidance or something at the bus stop!

Yeah, she then rolled a huge joint, and started yelling at people who where not there and laughing maniacally.

Damn bus crazies! Making me think all deep and feel incredibly guilty that I couldn’t comfort you, when in reality all you wanted was a damn hit!

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1 Comment

  1. Wendy said,

    Blog therapy is GOOD. I’m not sure it’s better than pharmaceuticals, but definitely worth a shot.

    re: the bus crazy… maybe you were actually on that show “What Would You Do?” and you didn’t know it!

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