More tree monsters!

April 23, 2009 at 10:39 am (monsters, reality is not for me, weirdness abounds)

I discovered another scary tree yesterday, and this one was worse than the jabberwocky tree because it turns out it lives on the campus where I work! Not only that but I’ve been standing at the bus stop in front of it for years and until yesterday always turned a blind eye to the evil that lurked so close by.*

This particular breed of tree monster is especially heinous, as it can affect people who come near it and learn its secret! Case in point- I am home from work today, hoped up on vicodin from a busted back muscle, all because I care about you people and want to warn you about the dangers of monster trees. But no tree monster will keep me from telling you about…the angry radish tree!
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For those without the blessing/curse of monster vision:

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This monster tree is a particularly angry breed, as it has to sit and watch all day while college kids throw frisbees at it, make out under it, and/or throw up from too much beer around it, and all the monster tree can do is sit and fume because it has such tiny, useless legs. Overtime, it has developed a way to shoot curse lasers out of its crazy eyes, as you can see clearly depicted above. So this guy just sits and wiggles his tiny, useless arms and legs all day while shooting curse lasers at anyone who gets too close- like poor, unsuspecting me. The curses take time to set it but apparently manifest as pulled shoulder/neck muscles that you don’t feel until you wake up, at which point you can barely move and Dr. FianceeHusband has to wash your hair for you because you can’t move your arms up that high, and then you take a vicodin left over from when you were in the hospital last year because you think it is a muscle relaxant and it turns out it totally isn’t,  but who cares because even though you are still in pain, you feel awesome about it. Side effects of the curse (or possibly the vicodin) include moments of severe clarity and madness sprinkled between serious space out periods, aka cat-like behavior.

So this tree may sort of look like a radish at first, but if you dare to look close enough you can actually see that it is much more serious than that. It is actually a pecan tree that grew up out of a live oak trunk, deforming both in the process. No wonder it is so evil. But also seriously a cool example of biology in action!
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And we all know that the live oak part must be the evil part, as scientific evidence has shown** that pecan always makes things awesome, not evil.

I think my vicodin has worn off because my awesomeness has decreased drastically and my pain is starting to matter again. Stupid tree curse!

*Unintentional rhymage is all part of the curse. Or the vicodin.
** Scientific evidence= me growing up in Austin, pecan-central. Mmm…

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2 Comments

  1. Steam Me Up, Kid said,

    First, hoped up is exactly how vicodin makes me feel. Full of dreams and aspirations! Weeeeee!!

    Second, whoever armed that tree with golf clubs should be shot. That’s just reckless.

    Love,
    bfbffbfbffbfbfbfbff Becky

  2. Jessica (Hey Lola) said,

    Yeah…I’m not seeing the monster….I’m seeing a stoned and smiling tree smoking a cigar…seriously.

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