Adventures in bus riding

March 25, 2009 at 4:49 pm (continuing depression)

There was a girl crying on the bus today.

Two years ago, that girl was me. And yet, today, I had no idea what to do. Should I comfort her? Should I ignore her? She was obviously in emotional pain. I wished I carried tissues so I could at least offer her one.

See, I actually started this blog many years ago because the therapist I was sent to to deal with my depression was, well, not very good. Here’s a tidbit

Her, in a tired, whatever-stupid-girl voice: You say you are depressed. Do you think about suicide?
Me: Yes.
Her, in a roll-the-eyes-type voice: Well, real depression involves a visualization of suicide, not just a general feeling of wishing you were dead. Do you visualize killing yourself?
Me: Yes. Knife to the throat. The only thing that stops me is that all my knives are dirty.
Her, much paler, in a shaky voice: Well…um…that’s just silly, isn’t it?
Me: What about depression follows any sort of logic pattern? My neurotransmitters are fucked all to hell. Can you just write me a prescription that will let me function so I can write my damn thesis and take care of my dad?
Her: … Well, have you tried meditation?
Me: I was raised by an atheist psychology grad student and an artist, and I’m a damn scientist. That crap does not work on me. No amount of meditation will fix my seratonin levels.
Her: … Um, ok. I’m going to give you a cd of relaxing nature sounds.
Me:  You suck.

And there you have it. The blog was created so I had a place to get all my crazy out without having to listen to someone tell me all I needed was to meditate and I’d be magically over the death of my mom. Also, it’s free! Therapists? Not so free.

Anyway, so I got off the bus having done nothing for this poor girl who seemed to be dying on the inside, much like I have been for several years, and I felt like a horribly, useless human being because I’ve been in so much emotional pain that I spontaneously started crying on the bus ride home in the past, and yet I did nothing for this girl.

Then, she got off too! This is it, I thought, I can comfort her if she looks to me for guidance or something at the bus stop!

Yeah, she then rolled a huge joint, and started yelling at people who where not there and laughing maniacally.

Damn bus crazies! Making me think all deep and feel incredibly guilty that I couldn’t comfort you, when in reality all you wanted was a damn hit!

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denial ain't just a river, it's my state of being

February 12, 2009 at 11:18 pm (cold, continuing depression, jinxing myself, just pure awesome, mom, the boy, weirdness abounds)

i don’t want to think about what today really is for me, so instead here is a picture i took of the hawk that likes to hang out in the trees above the creek outside my office/lab. also work is still abysmal, my boss and i were supposed to meet yesterday to talk about how i am terrified that the students are going to make me lose my job and how uncomfortable i am around them, but she never showed up for the meeting. when i asked her about it her reply was, “i can’t remember why we were meeting, so it must not have been important!”

seriously.

anyway, here’s the hawk. today i saw him swoop down and catch a frog, maybe. or it could’ve been a rat or  small dragon or a gnome, i didn’t get a good look at it.

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the intended meal, be it frog, rat or gnome or other, is under the claw you can’t see. the hawk wouldn’t start eating while i was watching it. i try not to think that whatever small animal was caught by this majestic bird was originally some poor lab animal that escaped, only to be devoured. not only is that a shitty fate (but such an apt metaphor for life!) but imagine how many weird chemicals would be coursing through the hawk’s veins if it were true.  just for the record, all my rats are accounted for! no estrogen and/or pcb filled hawk treats are on my conscience, thank you very much.

also, how freakin’ awesome is this picture?

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the correct answer is, of course, quite. quite awesome indeed. and that’s the original pic, no color adjustment or anything. if you’re not from austin, just know that this monstrous fork (it’s probably 2 stories high, maybe?) is a classic landmark for a sorta so-so restaurant (sorry, sad but true, even if the hot waiters do flirt with me), and the object at impaled on the fork changes sometimes. for a while it was a sad looking birthday cake, and before that i think it was fries, maybe… anyway, the point is i was walking by today and snapped a picture around sunset and it turned out FANTASTIC! i plan to use it in my valentine for the boy. we never do valentines stuff, so this’ll be a surprise.

lastly, because i love a good photo-rich blog post, the boy and i went to a local sculpture garden that we’d never been to before a while back for our anniversary. my favorite thing there was that there were a ton of guard lion statues! you know, the kind that are paired up so they flank the entrance to a house or library or court house. oh, just look at the picture:
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i tried to skew the perspective on purpose because i thought he deserved to look as regal and majestic as possible, but it might still be obvious that this guy’s only about a foot tall. anyway, he was my favorite of the three or four pairs of lions we saw.

also, this statue, the last in a series of season statues on display in the sculpture garden, reminds me of my mom for some reason:
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the chin, maybe? but no, my mom and i have the same crazy pointed irish chin, so i don’t know if that’s it. maybe the tilt of her head? in any case, how apt is it that she represents winter? i know i haven’t been truly warm on the inside for four years, to the day.

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i'll probably need to double my meds this month

February 5, 2009 at 10:45 pm (continuing depression, mom)

It’s been quite a while since my last major panic attack, so I guess I was due one. I spent my lunch hour throwing myself at potential employers at a career fair, which while it did give me some hope that maybe I’ll be able to leave academia eventually, was pretty stressful in and of itself. Turns out some of the companies that I could work for actually don’t want someone who has been out of school as long as I have…um, what?? So the more real-world experience I have, the worse a candidate I am?!? Gah. Plus, tons of the jobs I could do are actually not in Austin. FANTASTIC. Then I get back to lab and… no one is there. I end up working alone for about six hours. Sure, the first hour or two were fine, I watched some Hulu and did a ton of work. But, humans are social creatures, and after a while, the lack of stimulation lead to my mind pondering less than pleasant thoughts. A combination of mind numbingly boring tissue slicing, stress and not speaking for several hours lead to thoughts of how I’ll be stuck in academic research forever with zero intellectual input, how I’ll never make enough money to ever cover all my bills in a month and buy food at the same time,  not to mention buy a house, how basically all but one or two people I work with only talk to me when they need something or are prepping to stab me in the back, how my education was basically for NOTHING, and how if only my mom hadn’t died my life might actually be okay.

Cue massive panic attack.

Fortunately I was done with work by the time it got really bad. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a hold of anyone to help pull me out of it. See, usually all it takes is a little distraction- a text or something, like I need something to derail my brain from the bad tracks and get it back on a good or at least neutral one. The sucky part is that I can’t seem to do it myself- I can’t just pick up a book mid panic attack and start reading to distract myself, or watch a movie or something- I can’t focus. So, instead I sent a million texts and sat on the bus and tried to keep from bawling. I am awesome!

And so, February begins again. The month I try very hard to focus on my mom’s birthday, not the day of her accident. So far? Epic fail. And there are still how many days to go? Fortunately the days I get panic attacks, I don’t get insomnia, so there a minor silver lining in this…right?

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dear universe,

January 8, 2009 at 10:14 pm (blog-a-day!, continuing depression, jinxing myself, life in general)

I hate you. Even after you continue to take those I love from me, at least I had pictures to remember them by- which I have to have, because you also think it’s funny that I have a really awful memory. And then what do you do? You destroy my relatively new back up hard drive. All my pictures are lost, or at least a great number of them, along with my ebooks, music, comics, and all my masters work. Not only that, but my soul is wearing thin for all the rejection letters I keep getting from jobs. There is only so much “you’re great but we have some one better” I can take, even if it is just a form letter. Plus, I found out today the boy is ready to grab his stuff and leave me as soon as there is sign of trouble between us, without a second thought.

So, universe, just back the fuck off. Why are you suck a fucking bully? LEAVE ME ALONE.

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back to work

January 5, 2009 at 9:44 pm (blog-a-day!, cats, continuing depression, life in general, work shmork)

I had to go back to work today after two weeks off…sadly they were not a restful two weeks, since half the time was spent running around after family and the other half was spent being incredibly ill, but whatever. So, most of the time I actually really like work- we do cool research and most of the time I just get my assignments and do lots of work on my own, with out the boss breathing down my neck. I especially like work during intercession (the two weeks between the semesters)- no students mean I get lots of work done! Plus it turns out my boss is super famous now, so that’s cool. I just wish being a tech involved making more money. Apparently the prestige of working on a big campus is supposed to make up for the lack of salary that private sector techs get. See, prestige doesn’t pay the student loans, people. Hence my almost complete abandonment of all my hopes and dreams to become a fancy successful marine biologist. Bah!

Anyway, today was an ok work day, which means I’m suspicious of the rest of the week. And the rest of the semester. And basically the rest of my life. Bleh. Stupid gloomy day has given me a stupid bad mood. No more talk. Just cat pictures.

Kiwi and his paper bag:

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Moon and her box:
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Time for bed. Then more work. Repeat. Forever.

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i hate holidays

December 23, 2008 at 10:36 pm (continuing depression, mom)

they hurt too much. back to regularly scheduled blogging later.

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