If waiting were personified, it would be a big, fat, mean jerk

March 9, 2009 at 8:54 am (jinxing myself, why do i do these things?, work shmork)

GAH! F*ck you, waiting! I hate waiting on interview results, especially. So, the big teaching interview I have been alluding to was this past Saturday. Technically, it’s not to get a teaching job, but to get into this advanced fancypants teaching certificate program- you do six weeks of training, then start teaching right away. The “interview” was a day long event where I had to prepare a five minute teaching sample, participate in a “discussion group”, do some “writing samples”, and finally, at the end of the day, do the actually interview. What a bunch of hooey. The teaching sample went well- I talked about the physiology of the stomach, and I can teach your pants off so that was no problem. The writing sample and discussion were bull-hockey- the questions were along the lines of “you are a new teacher and your principal is yelling at you that your grades suck. What do you do?” How the hell should I know?? I don’t know anything about the culture of being a teacher, I just know how to teach people stuff. The interview reiterated these questions so I made up some nonsense that in retrospect was basically verbal diarrhea (which, technically, is called logorrhea- look it up, fools!). Bah.

The good news is that they will let us know their decision with in a week. I can only hope that the people who were shit instructors but had really good bullshit answers for the bullshit questions are judged accordingly, since I was in the category of “good teaching, not putting up with bullshit questions.” Sigh. Especially annoying were the people who went off on their soapbox diatribes instead of answering the actual questions we were asked to discuss- yes, dude, standardized testing is super stupid, but we’re supposed to be discussing whether or not it is the teacher’s responsibility to make sure students succeed, and the way the state determines that is through standardized testing, so stop pontificating and let someone who knows what the hell the question is about get a word in. Not that I’m judging.

In other news, I completely hate Daylight Savings time. F*ck you, Ben Franklin! I don’t actually know if he was the one who started Daylight savings, but I also don’t actually care to look it up. I do care that it is now pitch black when I wake up, which sucks some serious donkey parts.

In other, other news, I dyed my hair this weekend so that I wouldn’t go to my interview with hair that was two inches dark blonde, four inches light blonde, because my hair is crazy and hates me. I had intended to go all auburn, so it’ll fade properly (have I mentioned my hair defies logic?), but the color the stylist recommended came out crazy, crazy red…it looks ok, but let’s just say the interviewers won’t be forgetting me. That’s a good thing, right? Sigh. Also, here is a conversation my stylist and I had, where I should’ve realized I was in trouble:

Her: Have you done red/auburn before?
Me: Yeah, many times
Her: Oh thank goodness. So you know it may not turn out exactly like we expected, right?
Me: …

Whatever, it came out cool in the end. I’d totally post a picture but 1) it would ruin my secret agent cover on this blog and 2) I’m not good at taking pictures of myself, myspace-angle-style, unless there is a cat in my face.

Off to check my email for the millionth time in hopes that I have received my “we love you, join our program” email…

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having survived a serious crawfish overdose, our heroine does something stupid.

February 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm (life in general, why do i do these things?, work shmork)

Oh moly.

Happy almost Mardi Gras, everyone! Or are we in Mardi Gras right now? Being all non-Christian as I am, I honestly have no idea- did it start this weekend? I know tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, right? Then Ash-on-forehead Day and weeks of lots of fish specials. Right?!?

Um, anyway, I know that there were serious crawfish specials at the restaurant we always go to in order to celebrate my mom’s birthday, and that is what really matters. The purple, gold and green decorations were really the only thing that reminded me that oh, that’s right, Mardi Gras is always around Mom’s birthday. Anyway, the point is that on Friday night I had what felt like my weight in mudbugs, washing it down with rudely named but beautifully colorful alcoholic drinks. Mmmm! And then I succumbed to a crawfish induced coma for two days. If only my mom could see me now…

So, because I felt like a serious fatty after eating several pounds of crustaceans, which had either been deep fried or smothered in a creamy bisque, I thought that I should probably start working out. This morning, I pulled my bike out of the closet and decided to ride it to work. Go me! Bike riding has always been one of my favorite ways to exercise, second only to hiking. Plus, it’s easy! Or it was when I last rode my bike, back in my first year of college. Can’t be that hard now, right? That was only a few (wow, 8 ) years ago…

HA!!! I made it about four blocks before deciding that the best plan was to lie down on the sidewalk and dry heave for a while.

See, I am not in the best of shape. I have what I like to think of as a sexy nerd physique. That is influenced by cake and hotpockets. I can bust my butt intellectually and look sexy doing it, but apparently that’s about it. Also, I always sorta believed stretching was a conspiracy but in retrospect I have much more respect for it. Back when I was biking last, as a freshman in college, I had just come out of high school where I was a vigorous marching band nerd. I didn’t realize it at the time but marching band kept us in shape! Since then, the most exercise I do on a regular basis involves walking to the bus stop. Sure, it’s two blocks away and I have to dodge hookers, but it’s not really that strenuous. The life of a lab tech, at least in my field, doesn’t involve a lot of leg work. You should see my pipetting thumb, though, it is ripped!

So, I jumped on my bike, assuming that if that old aphorism* of  “it’s like riding a bike” was true when it comes to balancing on a bike, it should also apply to actually riding the bike. Ok, in truth, I didn’t think at all, I just jumped on my bike and took off. I honestly thought the worst that would happen is that someone would pull out of their parking spot too fast and smash me. Imagine my surprise when I survive my parking lot, but then feel like dying a few blocks later! I even pushed on through the crappiness, figuring it would go away, right? HA!! again. So I sat down for a while, realizing that 1) I’m heavier now than when I was in college, making it hard to move the bike, 2) my bike seat totally hurts my ass, probably as a result of #1 up there, and 3) I might throw up and pass out at any second. Fortunately Dr. FianceHusband called right then to see if I had died, and while I had planned to be all, “it’s cool, I’m just resting,” instead I pathetically said, “can you come get me?” even though I was only 4 blocks from my apartment. I am awesome. By which I mean pathetic and stupid. Fortunately when I say Dr. FianceHusband is awesome, I mean he really is awesome, even though he did give me the “you are pathetic” sigh when he hung up. See, he’s been riding his bike to work for a while now- the whole 6 miles. He enjoys lording this over me.

Anyway, I came home feeling like crap because I am super not smart when it comes to exercising, and decided to work from home/call in sick today.

All in all, this is a very boring post but I don’t care, I’m posting it anyway as a way to show that I did, at one point, try to exercise, it just kicked my ass because I didn’t sneak up on it by stretching first. That is what I am going to go by, anyway. Now I’d like to go pass out for a bit but people from work keep sending emails that piss me off** so instead I will go make clay representations of stuff that pisses me off and then smash them. I will probably photograph this and post it later.

*big word!

** grad student 1: we need to inventory this freezer, it hasn’t been done the whole time Meg’s been here
me: no, I keep it inventoried at all times
grad student 2: I agree, and I’ll do it tomorrow but Meg has to help
me: No, I already have it done.
boss: yes, inventorying is a good idea, Meg please drop everything you have planned and do this***
me: AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH I HATE YOU ALL!!!

***she hasn’t said this yet, but she will. She always does. She’s already flip flopped back and forth on an upcoming experiment.
Boss: do it this way- lots of samples, lots of overtime, but lots of data
Me: ok
Boss, after getting my protocol: Why are you doing it that way? Do it this way: small, no usable data
Me: But you wanted to do it this way (lots of samples, lots of data) originally
Boss: Yes, that is a good idea, do it that way instead
Me: ok
Boss, next day, after being cc’d on a planning email from me to a couple students: Why are you doing it that way?
Repeat.
Pull out hair.
Work hard to get a teaching job.

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